Friday, February 17, 2017

Vomiting Up Love

Falling in Love is Being Sick to Your Stomach
Yup, I said that correctly. And I mean it. Falling in love is exactly like being sick to your stomach. You want to vomit. Seriously, think about it.
First, when it initially starts to happen, you aren’t sure what that feeling is. You know you feel a bit odd, but you aren’t sure whether your hungry or sick or have just caught some minor bug. And you try not to mention it to anyone because they will either be afraid that it is catching or they will try to tell you all the ways they have gone through exactly what you are going through now and how to deal with it. Additionally, at that early stage, you would just as soon get ignore the feeling or get rid of it as admit that it is real.

Then, it hits you full force. You are in love. Entirely smitten with someone. Yup, you are gonna throw up. You are gonna vomit right there in front of everyone and send crowds scattering. You try to hold it back and behave as if all is normal. You go on with your routine as if nothing were changing, but right below the surface is that urge, that need, that feeling which keeps welling up. People begin to notice you acting odd. Your patterns change. You make sure your route just happens to go by the desk or house of the object of your affection - just like you would make sure to always be near a toilet when you are sick. Maybe your paths will cross.
And then it happens. You have told yourself that you wouldn’t let it happen. You have promised that your sickness would never become public. Dammit, there is no way you are going to let this come out. And then it rolls off your tongue and out of your mouth right in front of the one who means the mouth to you. You retch up the emotions from the deepest part of your gut and heave them into the space between you.
And they stare at you. Silence.
Sorry, I cannot tell you what happens next. I wish I could. With any luck, they will put you down like a sick farm animal. It would be the easiest and, by far, the least painful alternative. But that isn’t likely to happen in our day and time.
Second best is that they look at you and your sick, move forward, take your head in their arms, and vomit all over you. Two sick souls comforting each other in shared illness. Now that is love. You can hope.
In my experience, they turn away. They look at you aghast. Perhaps they shriek slightly and accuse you of trying to get them sick. They let you know, in no uncertain terms, that they care about you and your well-being, but they cannot afford to get sick. Please keep this sickness to yourself. Do not share it. Perhaps you aren’t even sick, they suggest, you just think you are. Get over it!
And they turn away. Leaving you there. Both sick and lonely. Your guts are in front of you, and you don’t know what to do. The person you thought would perhaps hold you, take care of you, care about you, has left you to be sick on your own. And, if you are luck, you feel, you will die. Sooner rather than later.
And if you don’t die. If you do survive this, that person who you value so much will never look at you the same again. Remember the last time you got horribly sick and you threw up your favorite food? Or when you got drunk on bourbon when you were young and vomited it up so hard that it came out your nose? It lost all attraction, didn’t it?  The one that you were so drawn to has made you sick. And you cannot look at them the same way ever again.
And knowing of your sickness, and the possibility of relapse, they will never let you near again. Arms length is where you will stay.
And there will be a hole. A hole where once there was love. And sickness.

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